I’m supposed to be sharing photos of Vienna I suppose, instead I thought I’d write because I can and theres a lot else I don’t want to be doing right now. I could make a list but no-one likes lists do they? Or do they, some people do.
I had my psychiatrist this morning. More meds changes, which isn’t that exciting, really, but I’m tired of writing solely about my mental health at times because I am more than my mental health. I am more than my day job too, but thats not interesting to talk about. Except it is, and I can’t. One day I will have the bravery to share all the secrets of the care industry in the UK, because it is failing and it is failing so many.
I’m listening to podcasts again, specifically Letters From a Hopeful Creative, by Jen Carrington and Sara Tasker. It’s reminding me that I might not have privilege but I have some and where I am is ok. That it’s ok that typing has become so alien that every third word is a typo, that my hands are shaky and unfamiliar to myself. It’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok. If I keep saying it I might believe it this side of Christmas. It’s ok where I am and I was in a different place last year and thats fine too. You know Ross from friends? Hiiiii. One day I will learn to not beat myself up for where I am and my place in life, it’s a lesson so many of us have to learn, isn’t it? And this, ladies and gentlemen and all, is why I’m on the waiting list for a psychologist. Taaaa-daaaaa
I’ll tell myself I’m just out of practice, I’ll tell myself that looking for pictures online is productive. I’ll tell myself that one day I can be brave enough to put myself forward for publication. In fact I have a very exciting project coming up with Meera and Margherita and I can’t wait to show you what we achieve, except I might have to if I’m brave enough to put it forward to a magazine or two. I had a photo approved on photovogue once, that was exciting, they didn’t like anything else I put forward though. So there’s that, and it’s that lack of perceived acceptance that stops me moving forward, which is silly, no? I am not alone in this, I know, which is part of the reason why I listened again to Letters From a Hopeful Creative, because it does help me feel less alone, and encourages me to make next steps.
Part of those next steps is unfollowing models not based in the UK, for now. I physically cannot afford to travel the world to photograph them, so, geographically they remain out of my reach, and thats the double edged sword of social media isn’t it? Instagram (as I keep forgetting I have twitter again) makes the world so small, but it’s not when you have no money, or, no available money to travel the world photographing beautiful people in strange places. And I love a strange place. I also love beautiful people too, so there’s that, annnnnnnnd now I sound creepy. Brilliant.
So there we have it, a bunch of words not making much sense, because my head doesn’t make sense and my body feels alien and and and and. I’m going to make some crispy kale as an accompaniment for dinner in a bit, I might pin some shit on pinterest. I might have a cigarette. I won’t punch myself in the face (again).
ps. I spelt accompaniment correct twice, all by my shaky self.
pps. couldn’t spell shaky though.