Letters To You: I'm Still Alive

Dear You,

I’m still alive, did you know that?

I’m still breathing and I’m still keeping on keeping on. I might be full of honey and lemon but that doesn’t mean I’m just as sweet. Today you’re playing on my brain and I don’t know why and part of me doesn’t want to know why.

The last time I saw you your head was on a spike, still screaming my name.

Are you still toxic?

I rarely look at my analytics these days, I don’t care who sees my instagram stories and I can’t be bothered to isolate an IP to see if you’ve ever read my blog or looked at my website. If you wanted to know what I’m up to you can look, you can judge me, you can hate me from afar. You can blame me for everything, despite that it wasn’t all my fault.

We were both to blame, at times, and we should never have been in a relationship, we should never have bothered to try. I have never been with someone who lied to me as much as you did, since.

For all my faults at least I never laid in bed next to you texting another man, for all my issues I never met up with another man while you were laying in a hospital bed. I have never emotionally invested in someone else while already being in a relationship, that shit hurts, and that shit hurts so much. Part of me used to wonder if I was just not good enough for you, that I wasn’t pretty enough or clever enough, sexy enough. But no, your want, need (?) to find another that was attracted to you outside of our relationship was pathological. Why didn’t you just leave me? Did you think me so weak that you couldn’t?

But it’s wrong to just blame you for the trainwreck that was that relationship. I didn’t trust you, I never did, and I think from day one I was looking for evidence of you lying to me, of cheating on me. It’s no surprise I found it, is it? I see now that maybe it was paradoxical, I looked for it so it happened.

I remember you crying because I’d discovered you’d lied to me, and I was so angry. In the end I felt guilty and comforted you. That’s not healthy, and maybe I should have walked away then but I didn’t and I have since lost count of the amount of times you lied to me, and I caught you out. When I left you the first time I should never of come back, but I did because, because I could? I know now that I didn’t take you back out of love or anything like that, I took you back because I knew I could and I knew that that was the easiest of ways to hurt her.

I said earlier that we were both to blame, didn’t I? I’d never liked her, you knew that, and I knew she didn’t like me. She told you she had feelings for you because “you deserved to know”, despite knowing full well that we were living together. A disgusting passive-aggressive move if ever I’ve known one. Except you didn’t tell her to move on, you told her if you were single you’d be with her. You arsehole. That still hurts, and I’m still afraid of any man I’m with saying that to another woman.

But when I left you, you went straight to her. And I knew I could capture you back and so I did and I felt vindicated. Not the wisest of my actions, I know, and although I am shamed by my behaviour I’m not ashamed enough to not divulge. I’m trying not to present you as the ‘bad’ one in the relationship, I’m trying to present both sides fairly.

God knows why when I know you describe me as one of the worst decisions in your life, and thats fine, I’ll be the bad person in your version of the story, you are not part of my life anymore, not physically at all, and rarely mentally. Of course I carry the scars of our relationship, I can’t not. I have never felt as impotent as a girlfriend as I did with you.

I do credit you though, I learnt some cold hard truths being with you, or, living without you and looking back at my pre-diagnosis self. Of course my behaviours can be explained away now as not having the right support or medication for my mental health problems. Maybe with talking therapies I could have been a better girlfriend, maybe with talking therapies you could have been a better boyfriend.

Maybe, if you hadn’t of been in a failing relationship when I met you then I wouldn’t of had such trust issues. Maybe if they’d been a gap between S and I things would have been smother. I still fell bad towards S though, you left her and you left her for me, at least you’re honest about that. I wish I could of opened the channels of communication and apologised to S. I never got the chance to apologise to S, but I’m out here telling the world, now, that for a week, I was, emotionally at least, the other woman and I am so very sorry.

I can only leave you with the hope that you’ve grown, got better, that you can have a healthy relationship.