I was going to write about anxiety. Because after so many years without anxiety, and just depression, being anxious is new again, and horrible, too. It causes me to grind my teeth, to clench my jaw and cut my knuckle off in a ridiculous accident. Sorry if you cringed, I did too. And got all panicky and stupid. Typing is hard again when you can’t use one of your index fingers.
I had my studio day on Saturday and all but one turned up and I got images despite the fact that I think I was on and a whole new level of panic through the entire day. It’s funny, isn’t it? How we function while in complete states of panic and fear. That panic, that fear comes from putting ourselves in new positions, to allow the self growth to level up, like a boss in a game, and after that boss you’re able to complete harder levels. I almost feel ready for harder levels, almost.
I’ve already started planning the next cone, for sometime in March, It’s gonna be monochrome and moodier, I have the pinterest board all ready to go - prepared? Me? Never!
And yes, I made all the paper flowers myself, I designed everything, I pictured it in my head and it turned out magical, I like that, I like that I have the power in me to transform my mind into a place to be explored, to be featured in, I like that, it’s exciting and feels like the start of something big. Which is where all the anxiety came from, knowing where it comes from doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, sadly.
So whats next? Really? I don’t know. I know my finger needs to heal properly, it keeps bleeding and it doesn’t hurt, but it is really annoying. I need to tighten up some things and let go of others. I need to plot and plan for the next studio day and refine ideas for the new year, and when the weather is better. All my best ideas are outside, and I can’t wait to realise some of them, I have such plans, darlings, such exciting plans.
And I do feel better about everything, I do feel like I am able to realise ideas and to create, and that is the nicest thing to come out of this, it’s the nicest feeling, to feel capable and is this proud? I don’t know, but everyone else seems proud of me, so thats nice, thats very nice.